I’m Blake and I’m an Addict

In the last year and a half, I’ve been largely neglecting my blog. The primary reason for my lack of updates has been my increasingly serious problem with drugs and alcohol. 

Since the beginning of 2016, my drug use has spiraled completely out of control, expanding from weed and stimulants to benzos and opiates. I was hospitalized last summer following a bout of depression and insomnia that intensified beyond my control as I came down from tripping on Robitussin. During that hospitalization, my treatment team urged me to go to a rehabilitation center. I adamantly refused, stating repeatedly that I don’t have a drug problem, and that I could easily control my use. 

I was discharged after a month, and returned to abusing pot and pills that same night. Within a week, I was right back to the same pattern that I had found myself in prior to my hospitalization. A month later, I turned 21, and immediately began drinking heavily amidst my constant drug use. I got high or drunk every day, as many times a day as I could. I woke up after ever brief period of sleep shaking violently with my stomach in knots. I wrote each of these instances off as panic attacks, and rationalized my self-medication to relieve my discomfort. 

In September, a series of stressors in my life led to a drunken suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization. Upon my admission, I had to be medicated for dangerous withdrawal from multiple substances. That’s when I realized that the “panic attacks” I woke up in were actually withdrawal symptoms. Again, rehab was recommended to me, and again I refused. This time, I wasn’t discharged from the stabilization unit after a month. Instead, I was transferred to an extended care unit where I remained for four more months. It was during this time that I began attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings within the hospital. Even amidst others who struggled with similar issues, I strongly resisted identifying myself as either an addict or an alcoholic. Slowly, I started sharing more and more about my habits, eventually evolving my mindset to realize that I had been in denial. I learned about addiction, but held fast to reservations that I was not yet done getting high.

I was discharged from the extended unit with the hope that I would be able to stay clean despite my remaining hesitation towards the idea. Again, I relapsed the same day that I left the hospital. This time, my problem escalated beyond what it ever had been before. I couldn’t do anything if I wasn’t high, and I stayed up and didn’t eat for days on end. I continued to use everything that I had in the past, and I began using cocaine and methamphetamine. I knew that it wasn’t going anywhere good, and I attempted multiple times to sober up on my own. White-knuckling my way through every second, I never lasted more than several hours. 

I started to contemplate rehab more seriously than ever before. A good friend of mine managed to convince me to schedule an intake appointment at an outpatient drug and alcohol facility. I reluctantly agreed and decided that I would clean up in time for my appointment. Of course, that’s not how it happened. I used quite a bit of meth and coke in the couple days before my intake, and I couldn’t hold off on the day of either. I went in to be assessed for treatment high out of my mind on cocaine. They drug tested me, and I peed dirty for a variety of drugs. The staff at the outpatient office recommended that I go to inpatient rehab. I had assumed that that would be their response to my current state, but I had not decided prior to my appointment whether or not I would agree to go. With a bit of persuading from a couple therapists, I caved and signed myself into rehab.

I spent 28 days at an inpatient rehab facility. I went through detox, learned more about the disease of addiction, went to AA meetings, and attended many different therapeutic groups. At the end of my stay, I was faced with the decision of whether or not to return to the house where I grew up and was living before my admission to rehab. After a lot of deliberation, I chose to move into a sober living home once I was discharged. I have been living in the recovery house since, attending drug and alcohol outpatient 5 days a week, and going to AA meetings more nights than not.

Today I am 73 days clean.

Today I am a recovering addict.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

About Jocelyn Ressler

I'm a kid just trying to get by.

One response to “I’m Blake and I’m an Addict”

  1. Emily says :

    This is amazing. Super proud of you. Ive been to treatment centers in ny, co, and all over fl. Hell when we met i was mainly there for Heroin addiction but i thought my mood disorders were “the root of the problem” so i landed in that unit instead of a standard rehab. It took my yeara and finally between 2015-2017 i gained almost 2 yrs sober. I had an amazing sponsor, amazing friends, i always stayed in the middle. I used to watch the clock tick minute by minute. Anxious to get out of any meeting i attended. Then one day i kind of fell in love with them. I had service commitments, spoke for people, went to the international aa convention in atlanta (its every five years, next one is a little over 3 yrs from now in Detroit! Lol) the women in my life and absolute desperation were the driving forces witch abled be to acheive my sobriety.. As cliche as it sounds, i stopped attending as many meetings, my sponsor and i had a falling out bc i fell in love with another troubled soul just as mine..although he has like a month and i was definitely 13th step..but i couldnt help it. I was still doing good, working 2 jobs. He moved to nc with his brother got a great job, got better but was occasionally drinking here and there. I moved to be with him anyway. I got a serving job, all was well untill right b4 my 2 years, dope was in front of my face and i relapsed. Hard. It was a combination of beinf in a new place, leaving all i knew behind. Only attending one meeting upon my arrival in nc. And culture shock. As much as we loved eachother..it wasnt enough. 4/5 long months later, we are at his moms who is a nurse and taking care of us. I am probably going to attend an out patient. This is my 5th day clean right now. We’re attending a meeting tn. The moment i got high again, i regretted it. I tried detoxing on my own so many times but constantly failed. I want my sober life back. I want those genuine sober full belly laughs, (not the detox giggles) i onow what i have to do this time around, all i have to do is do it. Thankyou for sharing your story with addiction bc i am right there (a little behind) but still, it gives me hope. Dont ever deny the program, we are the only people who fullu underatand eachother and there is such beauty in that. Heres to staying strong, holding on, working hard at moving forward a little each day, praying and making life long friendships in the program. Ik we dont talk but i love yah just as well. Congrats and keep kicking ass. ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: