Here I Am

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I can do this.

 

Please listen to me as I lay my soul on the line,

and excuse me for saying it in this cheap, stupid rhyme.

This wretched body is a cage with bars too thick to see

the silent suffering silhouette of the spirit I call me.

I will tear my chest wide open,

watch my heart pour onto the floor,

and break down the closet door.

I can’t live like this anymore.

Since I was just a little child, I hated being a girl.

I wanted to be a little boy more than anything in the world.

The more I slowly grew, and mind and body began to age,

I slowly began to realize that this was more than just a phase.

My only regret is waiting so long to just be me,

But this quick, simple poem is the first step to being free.

 

My name is Blake.

I am a transman.

Here I am.


 

A lot has changed in the last year or so since I last gave a real update. Many major things have gone on in the past year, and the most meaningful and empowering of those things is that I came out as transgender. At first, it was one person who I allowed to peek into my blue, pink, and white painted closet. Very slowly, I have invited more people in. Now, hand in hand with all of them, I am ready to bust out.

I am in the process of requesting those around me to use male pronouns and the name Blake instead of my birth name, Jocelyn. As you read this now, I am humbly asking you to do the same. I have chest binders coming in the mail as I write this, and I will pursue hormone therapy as soon as I am discharged from the long-term treatment facility where I am currently a patient.

I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for the fifteenth time in my life on October 1st, 2016 following one of my worst breakdowns. On November 10th, I was transferred to an extended care unit in the same hospital, where I have been staying. Since then, I have been on many eight hour therapeutic leaves from the hospital, as well as unit trips to the public library, which is where I am posting this from now. Within the next month, I should be discharged home, and I am pumped!

Thank you to everyone for your continued support. We’ll get through this together.

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About Jocelyn Ressler

I'm a kid just trying to get by.

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