Archive | December 2015

A Poem From One Suicide Survivor To Herself

Sometimes when the numbers

get you down and you start to doubt you

just try to remember that 14 is farther

than he ever could’ve gone without you

And even though you didn’t save him

you’re still not an awful friend

You improved his life the best you could

No one could stop him in the end

And it’s scary to admit

that there’s no more you could’ve done

And as far as changing his action goes

he was the only one

to make that last decision

to live or just to die

And that now leaves you the choice

to fight the truth or just to cry

Because sometimes just crying

is all you can really do

when all the hope in the world

has really just fallen through

And when your best friend in the world

is turned into ash

you start to look back on

what you used to look past

And you question all of the things

that you did or didn’t do

and question if each moment

was one you should’ve seen through

And why weren’t you the one

to bring him a little light

and remind him of all the good things

and that it is still worth the fight

And then you remember

that that’s not the message you sent

And it doesn’t even matter

how many countless hours you’ve spent

trying to convince him

that he doesn’t need to cause harm

Because even as you said that

he watched the scars grow on your arms

And he watched the tears run down your face

as your pain overtook you

So how could he have felt hopeful

when you were there and drowning too?

Because you were the closest to him

and you were both lost at sea

so he was surrounded by the pain

and you both longed to be set free

But still it’s not even remotely your fault

that he didn’t see a point in trying to live

because you exhausted all of your options

You gave all you had to give

Because as awful as it sounds

and as much as the words sting with tears

the night after he ended it all

was the best rest you’d had in years

And while you can’t seem to decide

if it hurts more to focus on the good

than it does to think about the bad

and obsess over all the shoulds

there was more good in those five years

than there was in all eleven that came before

And nothing can ever take away that joy

of that you can be sure

Though he tried time and time again to leave you

he still promised he never would

And you have to admit you realize

that there’s no way he ever could.