I got home eight days ago after 75 days away. I spent 6 days at a general adult crisis stabilization unit before being transferred to the Trauma Disorders Program at Sheppard Pratt in Towson, Maryland. I spent 69 days there. I was discharged last Tuesday (May 20).
I’m sure I will cover many, many topics related to my hospitalizations and the struggles of reintegration in coming blogs, so brace yourselves. I won’t go too in-depth with this one because I’m having a hard time getting back into the swing of it with this whole blog thing.
Before leaving the hospital, my primary emotions were excitement and fear. Now that I’m out, it’s pretty much just the fear. It’s terrifying to be in the real world. Being an adult is scary. Being an adult fresh out of the psych ward is even scarier. I went from being in an extremely sheltered place to being open and exposed to the harsh ways of outside life. I’m completely unprepared. Well, I feel completely unprepared. Very few things are set in place or finalized with regards to my outpatient treatment. Right now, there is a huge lack of professional support. I have gone from seeing a therapist three times a week, seeing a psychiatrist every day, and talking to a mental health worker or nurse 2-4 times a day to seeing my outpatient therapist once a week and that’s it. Makes a lot of sense, right? I’m kind of angry about the hospital discharging me when I’m so far from feeling comfortable with life. I feel abandoned, like they just kind of pushed me out of the nest before I even knew how to flap my wings. Now I’m just awkwardly flailing around and falling rapidly. No one seems to get it either. People are really great and nice and welcoming and everything, but no one really quite understands the difficulty that I’m having with this transition. So on top of feeling unprepared and abandoned, I also feel alone. At Sheppard Pratt, I was surrounded by people that understood. Here, some people try to get it and can’t, but most people don’t even try to understand where I’m coming from.
That’s my complaining for the day I guess. Maybe in a bit I’ll be able to write a more fulfilling blog entry. I have a million different things to say, it’s just a matter of the order and time that I say them. Stay tuned for more interesting things.
Most importantly, I want to thank everyone for your thoughts and support throughout this entire journey. I cannot express how much I appreciate each one of you. If you’re reading this, you’re amazing. Thank you.