Archive | September 2013

Counting down to an anniversary


Many of you have been asking how we are doing.  Thank you.  We have really appreciated the prayers over the past year more than you will ever know.

We are at 11 months, 3 days; counting down the days to the one year anniversary of Isaiah taking his life.  It is hard to describe the range of emotions over the past year.  Losing a child to a tragic accident or illness is terrible.  Losing a child to suicide seems so defeating and so unfair.   In any death, the mourners go through a number of journeys.  You get through the first night, the first day, the first week, the first month.  And then it begins to slow down.  You click off the monthly anniversaries for awhile but they begin to fade in time.  At eleven months, the original emotions begin to fire up again while waiting for the big anniversary…

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What is it?

According to Medline Plus, depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. On the more extreme end of the spectrum, clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for an extended period of time.

An alternative definition in dictionaries is that a depression is an area that is sunk below its surroundings; a hollow. I personally think that this definition describes the experience much better. When you’re depressed, you’re at a level of feeling that is so much lower than the people surrounding you. You can watch everyone functioning and going about life feeling fine and dandy, but you’re stuck on an entirely different plane. Then comes the hollow part. Depression makes you hollow, empty. The emptiness that comes with it is probably one of the more maddening symptoms, being in so much pain while feeling so numb.

I’ve struggled with depression for years, but recently it’s been especially bad. It means various things for me, and manifests in even more ways. I become exhausted all the time. I sleep for hours beyond what I should. I’ve turned to things like self-harm and substance abuse. I see everything in a thick, negative haze. A good example of this is last night, when a friend of mine didn’t show up when we were supposed to hang out. Big deal, right? She was probably just running late (which I later found out was what happened), but because I was viewing the situation through my depression, I took it as getting stood up. I immediately assumed she hated me, and must’ve just been playing me. I even got to the point where I was contemplating suicide, all because of my emotional perception of one small misfortune. Depression leaves me bed-ridden sometimes, as it seems to have today, and I end up writing blog entries on my phone just to avoid moving. I have to be forced to do anything. I ignore texts and calls because I don’t think anyone wants to deal with me when I get depressed. I eat involuntarily, as I have no appetite, and quite frankly, I’d rather starve just for the self-destruction aspect. I get so miserable and hopeless that I don’t see a point in going on until the smoke of despair clears. And who knows how long that could take? Sometimes I stay in this state for months on end.

Well, enough of my whining. Back to sleep.